


Its hard to pretend to be okay (you understand, don't you) [SECOND EDITION]

by Kasuna_Kotonoha



Category: Love Live! School Idol Project
Genre: Depression, F/F, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-06
Updated: 2019-02-06
Packaged: 2019-10-22 02:27:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17654297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kasuna_Kotonoha/pseuds/Kasuna_Kotonoha





	1. Chapter 1

The pressure of living day to day was nothing new to Hanayo. As far back as she could remember, the simple act of living had been difficult, but she managed. But lately, it had become more difficult to even get through the day. She loved u's but it started to feel more and more like she didn't belong. As she lay on her futon, she thought about just how much  _better_ everyone else was.

 

Rin was an endless ball of energy, able to keep up with Umi's strict practice regime no sweat. Not to mention her singing voice and good looks to boot.

 

Maki was an incredible musician, and a unique voice to accompany her piano. She was also one of the prettiest idols

 

Kotori may not have the best voice, but her sugar sweet personality had won the hearts of many. She could also balance a job alongside school and u's.

 

Honoka had boundless cheer and optimism and could distinguish herself from aura alone. Her solo songs were critically acclaimed and she had a wonderful voice.

 

Umi had the best voice in all of u's. It's deeper register made it stand out, not to mention her being a talented lyricist.

 

Eli was a fantastic singer, and beautiful to boot. Her blonde hair made her stand out in any lineup.

 

Nico had a passion unmatched by anyone except possibley Hanayo herself, making her a force to be reckoned with.

 

And then there was Nozomi. In Hanayo's opinion, Nozomi was the prettiest out of everyone in u's, her eyes being Hanayo's favorite feature. Her solos were very popular, and she had a very motherly aura about her. She was also very caring and a great shrine maiden. There was also the fact the Hanayo  _mayyybe_  had a gigantic crush on her. She knew it was pointless since Nozomi and Eli were very likely a thing. 

 

After all, who would want to date someone like her anyway?

 

Hanayo couldn't stop herself from listing all the things she hated about herself. She singing voice was terrible, she was plain looking, her normal talking voice made her cringe when listening back on it, and she didn't even contribute anything important to the group. She was pretty much dead weight.

 

**See? You'll only drag them down. They wouldn't even miss you if you were gone**

 

She whimpered and pulled her pillow over her ears, but to no avail.

 

_They really wouldn't, would they?_

 

_***_

 

Hanayo collapsed against the wall, panting. Practice had been particularly difficult today, and it had really taken a toll on her.

 

"Good job everyone, you especially, Hanayo. I really must commend you."

 

She gave Umi a grateful smile as she drained the contents of her water bottle

 

**She's just saying that to spare your feelings. Everyone else kept up just fine, but look at you, barely holding yourself together**

 

She grimaced as she wiped the water off her face with her jacket sleeve. Looking around, everyone else could at least walk around relatively normally. Her head flopped against the brick, closing her eyes, focused on her breathing.

 

**Can't ever keep your eyes opened? Pathetic**

 

"Kayo _-chin,_ Kayo _-chin_ , you're spacing out."

 

When she opened her eyes again, Rin was standing in front of her, a slightly concerned and confused expression on her face.

 

"Oh, sorry Rin _-chan_ , just tired. Are you ready to go change?"

 

"Yep!"

 

Rin grabbed her hand and pulled her up and off the roof. All the while, Hanayo couldn't help but think of how much she didn't deserve her.

 

***

 

Nozomi walked along the path to the shrine, lost in thought as Eli had left a fair while ago. Something was up with a particular member she loved and it worried her. Hanayo had always been shy, but lately, she had been even more distant, opting to isolate herself when she could. Nozomi had also observed how her face lacked expressiveness and her eyes had lost the shine they used to have. She couldn't be sure if anyone else had noticed, but it concerned her to no end. As she swept the shrines steps, she contemplated what might be going on with the brunette she so adored. One thing she noticed was how much Hanayo reminded Nozomi of her old self.

 

Back when she was severely depressed.

 

The more comparisons she made, the more she became sure of it. There were just too many similarities. As she headed home, she decided to pay Hanayo a visit.

 

***

 

To say Hanayo was not expecting visitors would be an understatement. She was completely unprepared. Not to mention it was the girl she had a massive crush on.

 

"I hope I'm not intruding, Hanayo _-chan_."

 

"N-not at all, Nozomi _-chan_. Would you like some tea."

 

"Why thank you Hanayo _-chan_ , I would love tea."

 

As she scampered off to brew said tea, Hanayo's mind was a whirlwind

 

**Nozomi probably didn't even want to come over, she just felt obligated to because you showed how pathetic you are.**

 

 

_N-no Im not!_

 

**Yes, you are. Look at yourself, can't even brew tea correctly. She most likely didn't even want tea, she was just to nice to turn down tea from poor pathetic you that can't do anything right.**

 

Her hands shook as she poured the tea into two cups. She went back to her room where Nozomi was kneeling at the table in the middle. She placed a cup in front of Nozomi and knelt down herself

 

"So, what brings you here"

 

**God, what an awful conversation starter.**

 

"Just thought I'd pay you a visit. We never hang out with just the two of us after all."

 

She smiled as she took a sip of her tea.

 

"Mmm, this is wonderful tea Hanayo _-chan_."

 

**Can't even be bothered to tell you how awful it is, huh.**

 

"I-it's not anything special though..."

 

"Maybe it tastes better than normal because you made."

 

Nozomi's gave her crush a small smile as she could almost see what she was thinking.

 

**She's just humoring you. She doesn't even like you. No one does.**

 

"I'm not just humoring you, Hanayo."

 

Hanayo blinked. Not just because of the lack of honorific, but because she practically read her mind.

 

"P-pardon?"

 

"Intrusive thoughts, right? I can tell."

 

"W-what do you mean, Nozomi _-chan_."

 

Nozomi didn't say anything for a moment as she took a thoughtful sip of tea

 

"Answer this for me. It is hard to get through an ordinary day?"

 

"Aside from homework and practice, no."

 

"Don't lie to me Hanayo _-chan_ , please?"

 

**You really ARE pathetic. Can't even lie properly. She just doesn't want you to feel bad.**

 

When Hanayo didn't say anything for a while, Nozomi went around the table and hugged her. Hanayo stiffened at the sudden contact but quickly relaxed and returned the embrace. They stayed like that for a while before it became too much for Hanayo's mental state. When she started to cry, Nozomi just rubbed her back and whispered reassuring words to her.

 

**She doesn't even care. She's only doing this because of how weak and useless you are. You are completely Useless. Useless. Useless**

 

The crying eventually subsided, replaced by quiet whimpering. Hanayo eventually wiggled out of the hold, and Nozomi was startled by the contrast from how she looked earlier. Her eyes were red, puffy, and hollow, and her face was much more sallow looking now that the foundation was wiped off (Nozomi really needed to make sure she washed the blazer later).

 

"Do you want to talk, Hanayo _-chan_?"

 

"N-not really."

 

'That's fine. Let's just enjoy each others company, okay?"

 

A nod and she ended up spending the night.

 

**She doesn't even want to be here. It's lame how you need a babysitter at your age.**

 

***

 

Practices over the next few days were rough on Hanayo's psyche. Nozomi was even nicer to her if that was possible, not to mention the difficulty of the training itself was increasing.

 

One warm spring morning after their most recent live,  **No one liked you, your performance was terrible** , she had enough.

 

Opening the bathroom medicine cabinet, she found the strongest pain med she could, setting the bottle on the counter.

 

On a piece of stationery, she put her feelings into words and went off to school for what should be the last time.

 

***

 

"Has anyone seen Kayo _-chin_?"

 

"No, can't say I have."

 

"Im worried. She rushed out of the classroom as soon as the bell rang."

 

"Hold on, Imma consult my cards."

 

Nozomi pulled out her famed tarot cards and shuffled before drawing two.

 

"The hermit and world both reversed. Oh god..."

 

The fortune teller suddenly shot up, rushing out of the room, leaving her stuff behind.

 

"Nozomi?"

 

As Eli and the others stared in confusion, Nozomi's phone buzzed with a new message

 

 **Hanayo** : I'm so sorry, Nozomi

 

Eli took notice and examined the message.

 

"Umm, I think we should go after her."

 

Eli's expression was reason enough for them not to question it.

 

***

 

"Hanayo _-chan_?"

 

The house was quiet, almost too quiet

 

_*thud*_

 

The sudden noise startled Nozomi, but she felt compelled to investigate. The upstairs bathroom light was on and the door was open. What was inside made her knees weak.

 

The girl she loved was collapsed on the tile, a plastic cup with its content spilled on the floor nearby. The most concerning thing though was the open bottle of pain meds on the counter. She rushed forward, checking Hanayo for any signs of life.

 

***

 

The last thing Hanayo heard before blacking out was a familiar voice saying

 

 _"I love you"_  

  


	2. Chapter 2

When the group of seven girls made it to Hanayo's house, the sight that greeted them was not a happy one. Paramedics were standing outside and a police car too.

 

"Oh my god..."

 

"What are you girls doing here."

 

A gruff looking policewoman approached them.

 

"We came to check on a friend of ours. Hanayo Koizumi."

 

"I see. Unfortunate, you can't talk to Koizumi _-san_ , as she is being taken to the hospital shortly."

 

"What?!"

 

They all cry in unison.

 

"As you seem to know Koizumi _-san_ , Ill let you inside. We have some questions for you."

 

When they entered the living room, they say that Nozomi was already seated, being interviewed by another officer. It looked like she had been crying.

 

"Nozomi?"

 

Eli sat next to her best friend. Nozomi gave the group a small, sad smile.

 

"Miss Tojo, I have one last question for you."

 

The officer tapped her pen on the note pad

 

"Do you know how long Koizumi _-san_ was considering this?"

 

The seven new arrivals were confused.

 

"I don't."

 

"Very well. I'll be going now, thank you for your time."

 

As she left, the seven girls still in the dark simultaneously turned to Nozomi for an explanation.

 

"Nozomi, can you tell us what happened?"

 

Eli gently prodded, not wanting to push her best friend too hard

 

"...Hanayo _-chan_...tried to kill herself."

 

The silence was deafening.

 

"The police found this in her room."

 

Nozomi placed a sheet of stationary on the coffee table

 

_Dear u's,_

 

_I know this may come as a shock, but please don't be sad. I wouldn't want to be any more of a bother then I already am._

 

_Honoka; Thank you for letting me join u's. It was the best year of my life. You are the driving force of u's, and we couldn't have done it without you_

 

_Umi; Thank you for striving to make me and everyone better physically. You are a brilliant lyricist, never lose that drive._

 

_Kotori; Thank you for being the best subgroup buddy I could ask for. You even sang two duets with me. To this day, I still love Kokuhaku Biyori, desu._

 

_Nico; Thank you for sharing your passion for idols with me. I always admired how you made time for family, even if sometimes you don't want to._

 

_Eli; Thank you for creating wonderful dances for us, and for being a leader when no one else would._

 

_Maki: Thank you for creating amazing songs and helping Rin with her studies. You will, without a doubt, be as great a doctor as you are a musician._

 

_Rin; Thank you for always being by my side, through thick and thin, and for giving me the confidence to join u's. You were always my best friend._

 

_Nozomi; Thank you for supporting me and everyone else, the way a mother would. I looked up to you quite a bit, and with that in mind, there is a personal letter for you in my desk drawer._

 

_Everyone; Thank you for making this the best year of my life. I will always treasure the days I spent with you_

 

_Love, Hanayo_

 

***

 

Hanayo awoke to the beeping of machinery. Her body felt heavy and the smell, oh god the smell.

 

It smelt like a hospital.

 

_Did... did I not die?_

 

**Wow, you're so awful you can't even kill yourself properly**

 

The door creaked open and a nurse, classic scrubs and everything, came it.

 

"Glad to see you awake, Hanayo _-san_. How are you feeling?"

 

She was cheering, almost too cheery. Short ash hair, so much like Kotori, framed her face.

 

"...ok...I guess..."

 

"Fantastic, if you need anything let me know."

 

She left, and Hanayo was alone again. She drifted in and out of sleep for the next few hours. It was about five in the afternoon when u's came to visit. Honoka and Umi had flowers, daffodils, and white lilies respectively. Nozomi and Kotori had vases. 

 

"Kayo _-chin_!"

 

Rin gave her an almost suffocating hug before Umi managed to pull her away.

 

"I'm glad I came when I did, Hanayo _-chan_."

 

The mood in the room did a 180, as everyone remembered why she was there in the first place. It was silent save for the beep of machinery. No one wanted to confront the elephant in the room.

 

Well, except for one.

 

"Why? Why, Hanayo _-chan_!"

 

Nozomi was practically shouting at her, her eyes glistening with tears that wouldn't fall.

 

"Because I'm a waste of space."

 

It only took a few words for everyone to fall silent again

 

"I can't do anything right, I'm plain, my singing voice isn't very good. I'm just a burden to everyone."

 

The outburst of emotions was all it took for Nozomi to wrap Hanayo in a hug.

 

"It- sometimes it feels like being alive to too much to handle."

 

The brunette had calmed down considerably, whispering those words into Nozomi's shoulders.

 

They let her cry for a while, all giving her a big group hug. 

 

"Oh yeah, didn't you write a personal letter for Nozomi? What did you say in it?"

 

Eli's inquiry was met with equal curiosity from everyone who was not Nozomi or Hanayo.

 

"Here."

 

Nozomi pulled the letter in question out of her pocket

 

_Dear Nozomi,_

 

_First off, I'm sorry. I know you tried to reach out, but just living is too painful right now. But you're probably wondering why you have a personal letter and the others don't. Its because I have a confession to make._

 

_I like you_

 

_Not in a friend kind of way. I like the color of your hair and eyes. I find it amazing how much you care about your friends. You make time for those who need it as you did for me. You're an amazing shrine maiden and a hard worker._

 

_Again, I'm sorry, but I didn't want to leave my feelings in the dark forever._

 

_Love, Hanayo_

 

By the time the confession letter had been passed around, the author of said letter had fallen back asleep.

 

"Doesn't she look so at peace when she's asleep? It's hard to believe that living day to day was hard for her."

 

Indeed there was some truth to that statement. Hanayo had a relaxed, peaceful expression as she slept, much different from her daily mental state.

 

"Imma stay here for a while. If you need to go, that's fine."

 

It was clear Nozomi wasn't going to be persuaded, so they left one by one, Eli and Rin leaving last.

 

She eased herself into the reclining chair in the room, trying to get comfortable. It was going to be a long night.

 

***

 

When Hanayo woke up, the sun was shining through the blinds of the open window, and a light breeze was blowing into the room. What really caught her attention though was a purple haired girl sleeping in the chair situated on the corner.

 

_Why's Nozomi here?_

 

**She pitied your lame, pathetic self, so she stayed. It's not because it's you.**

 

It wasn't long before Nozomi woke up as well.

 

"Good morning Hanayo _-chan_. How are you feeling?"

 

"Okay."

 

"Well, it's better than terrible."

 

She chuckled slightly, her smile quickly replaces by concern

 

"You gave us quite a scare Hanayo. Everyone was worried about you."

 

"Why would you be worrying about someone as useless as me?"

 

"Because we love you, Hanayo _-chan_. You're like family to us."

 

"Really? Somehow I doubt that."

 

"Why's that."

 

"Everyone has someone they care about more than me. Rin and Maki have each other. Kotori and Nico are a thing. Honoka and Umi have each other as well. And then there's you and Eli."

 

"Do you mean that everyone has romantic partners?"

 

Hanayo nodded.

 

"Eli and I aren't dating. In fact, I think she has her eyes on a certain blue-haired underclassman. And I'm like ninety percent sure Honoka likes Tsubasa. I do like someone though."

 

"Really? Who? Whoever it is would be really lucky to have you."

 

**And it won't be you**

 

"Hmm, well she has a really cute voice."

 

**Your voice is cringy beyond belief**

 

"She cares a lot for her friends. She had the most adorable face I've ever seen, and she doesn't realize what a treasure she is."

 

"She sounds great."

 

"And she's sitting right in front of me."

 

It took a good thirty seconds for Hanayo to understand that Nozomi, the girl she had a massive crush on, had just confessed to HER.

 

"And I mean every word of it, Hanayo _-chan_."

 

Hanayo had to pinch herself to make sure she definitely wasn't dreaming.

 

***

 

It wasn't a smooth ride after that. Hanayo relapsed several times, coming close to falling off the school roof once, had her girlfriend not pulled her away. She was also on anti-depressants and in therapy. The entire group surrounded her with love, ready to catch her if she fell. Nozomi kept the letters Hanayo had written when she thought she wouldn't be around anymore in her desk drawer. When asked, she would simply smile and say it served as a reminder of what she had been fortunate enough to prevent. 

 

Hanayo was also helping Nozomi out with shrine maiden duties. Her therapist had said it might lead to some deep conversation, which it had on several occasions. 

 

While she wasn't totally better, she might never be. But as her loving girlfriend wrapped her arms around her waist, Hanayo couldn't help but smile to herself

 

_I wouldn't change a single thing. I love you, Nozomi_

 


End file.
